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Monday, February 17th, 2003
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7:34 pm - [i am on like one thousand volts of alacrity]
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I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
in love with being alone, both terrified and comforted by the hollow sounds of my steps and lack of awkwardness, i am starting to become painfully aware of disappointment, hesitation and this inherent shyness that makes a sticky regretful voice in my head say oh you'll never get anything accomplished that way.
unsolicited, there are poems and letters to no one and honestly meant for no one littered across the floor. my cheek is pressed to some of them with the same urgency they were written in, for a someday and the reeling hope in possibility that makes me dizzy with wanting to risk all i have for a millisecond of unsurpassed joy. examined from afar, i seem foolish and overtly sentimental. the closer i get to myself, the more i seem to blur around the edges with a dissonance that could shatter me apart as a prism and i do believe, no one would be the wiser.
i am made of chemicals. i am hydrogen. oxygen. carbon dioxide. small spindles of extras and facts that have nothing to do with the compressing quiet in this room or the chambers of my heart echoing unceremoniously.
perhaps this is more necessary for me.
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| Thursday, February 6th, 2003
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12:50 am - [it all seemed so sudden and fast to know you this way]
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i'm unable to sleep, still in this dress and kneehigh socks from earlier expectations.
tonight i heard ben gibbard singing and the way his voice trembles as he sings lover makes me woozy with the clamoring yes[es] lined in my head and the heater creating condesation on the windshield, so that all was a blur. i couldn't concentrate my energies on the passing streetlights, distill all i know into one clear thought freeing me; no, all i could do is wonder instantly how much better it would sound if i were in a car with you.
this is unasked for + impossible. tomorrow when i wake, this will be the only evidence you ever visited the landscape of my thoughts.
current mood: troubled.
current music: [small hums of appliances reminding me of the hour]
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| Monday, February 3rd, 2003
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11:12 pm - [and they were grouped in twos and threes, like a morse code message from me to me]
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i was hopeful during most of my day.
there are absent clicks when at last it's quiet here. i am happy for the change, the instant fix of composure that drops my shoulders in relief. i don't mind the soft voice on the tv acting as my companion [shelly it will be twenty degrees in the morning. please remember your coat + hat to stay warm]. it is almost drowned out by music softly tuning my heart, making me take notice of what is missing, of this elusive thing i am longing for, made restless by and wonder how it would fit in my hands. i will count the number of times i breathe, i will stare at the ceiling, i will listen to notes that drive me on and curse myself for sitting still. i am turning lights low, dimming to a sight that makes for comfort with this ache that makes me feel i could open the door right now, i could begin to run with blood rushing in my ears, humming a name almost loud enough for me to hear, soundlessly across pavement and grass and fences i could go, if i just knew what this was.
i want with an intensity that threatens to shatter me from the inside out.
my posture is poor. that's what i get for always putting my head in my hands.
current mood: alone at last.
current music: ben gibbard - i was a kaleidoscope [live]
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clumsyvalentine's journal